Secret Pain

Word Count: 1228. Not as many today, but I'm tired and am headed for bed. I'm also at a critical confrontation scene I need to sleep on before I tackle it! Not to mention computer is throwing a hissy fit again, and I need to run a virus scan on it...I clicked on the internet icon and 'My Computer' popped up! What's up with that?

I had a completely different subject planned...and then read Kelly's and Anny's blogs this morning. I admire anyone who has faced great adversity in their lives and has risen above it to strengthen their character.

Adversity can make or break a person. There are people who, when faced with personal tragedies or suffer horrible trauma at the hands at someone else, have a choice to make. One can become a victim all their life, or one can find the inner strength to use their pain to become role models.

I have had the privilege of knowing both types. I am married to a man who suffered at the hands of a family member, and as a consequence, is still dealing with the aftermath. His self-esteem is low; he takes his inferiority complex and uses it to blame others for his mistakes. When faced with failure, he throws himself a major pity-party and nothing can change his mind. He attends church, but gets no enjoyment out of the service.

Contrast that attitude with two women I know. They also suffered worse tragedies, yet have raised loving families, have been successful at what they accomplish, and both thank God every day for their blessings, and see Him working in their lives.

I, too, faced adversity at the age of 14. Suffered personal humiliation, and brought shame to my family. The one thing that kept me going was my faith in God and the knowledge I was expected to finish school! I held my head high, and lived in my own little world until I met a youth pastor and several new friends who accepted me as I was and showed me I was a lovable human being. What a difference a year can make! Eighth grade tore me down; ninth grade lifted me back up. All because I didn't quit, or give into the 'poor me' attitude. I probably would never have found the courage to pursue my writing career, and I'm still struggling with feelings of inadequacy at times. But I'm getting there!

This past year has been another struggle. Our family faced a humiliating situation, but again, faith has brought us through it. I'm trying to instill faith in my children's characters by talking to them constantly about God's timing vs Our timing. Sometimes we don't always see the Big Picture, but everything happens for a reason, even if we don't understand it. He uses adversity to strengthen us, and uses our secret pain in order that we may reach out to others. I see this in myself when I interact with my children's friends.

When I managed the concession stand, I had a group of 'misfits' who regularly came to me for daily hugs, or just for someone to listen to them. I gave informal math lessons to one boy, to his great shock when he realized what I was doing! When I was ignoramiously kicked out on my arse (as AJ would say!), I was bombarded for 2 years with 'when are you coming back? We miss you!!' And even now, I have 3 young ladies and 2 or 3 young men who are regulars at my house for some friendly advice about boys, girls, peers, homework, parents, or just to find out when my next book is arriving on shelves. My home is a haven, and while they grumble about pitching in with chores, it doesn't seem to keep them away, and they know they will always find a listening ear.

We cannot change the past; we can only change our attitude towards it. Learn from your mistakes and make the choice to move on.

Kelly didn't ask me, so I'm answering her here:

1) I've only lived in the US.
2) I've traveled to Canada. Would love to go to France, Italy, and Greece
3) Given a choice, I'd live in Florida by the beach, or any tropical island. Or, as a Trekkie, I'll take planet Risa! Climate-controlled!
4) What do I want to be when I'm grown up? The wise person who always says just the right thing at the right time! I'm forever putting my foot in my mouth...
5) My mother is my hero.
6) My deepest fears are that I will outlive my children; or something unspeakable would happen to any of them. I'm also with Anny on this one: That I will die before I write all my stories down!
7) My secret dream? To someday have enough money so that I can not only help others realize their dreams, but to fire up the private jet and whisk me away to a warmer climate when the snow gets too much to bear!
8) Right now, I'm happy being who I am...
9) Probably vampire. It's what I keep dressing up as on Halloween.