Currently Reading: Too Close To The Fire by Jayden Chealsee. I'm up to Ch 15 and am hoping the bad guys are caught at the end of this book!
Let's delve into the mind of a fourteen-year-old, and to do that I need to back up a few months to October 1979.
I was feeling pretty good about myself around Halloween. I was growing confident in my ability to sass the opposite sex with good comebacks, plus was a good student. I loved both my Health and History teachers, even taking some good-natured ribbing when 'Cincinnati' was on a spelling test, and when it came time to check the answers, Mr. I told me to stand up and turn around; I'd worn my 'I love Cincinnati' t-shirt someone had given me. And then he asked me if I'd spelled it correctly without cheating:) I had, and everyone, including myself, laughed about it.
If I liked a subject, or the teacher, I did well in that class.
Boyfriend-wise, I was still 'going with' the same guy since I was twelve, and couldn't imagine life without him, with the exception of his last name. It just didn't sound right, paired with my first name, so I had decided to be radical and not change my name, when and if that day ever came.
For Halloween, my sister, friend K, and myself decided to be cheerleaders. They dressed as cheerleaders from the 50's; I decided to dress like my favorite NFL cheer team. I didn't have the exact costume, but if you used your imagination, it was 'obvious' what I was striving for. Or at least, that's what I thought!
The day after Halloween, all hell broke loose in the corridors of my school. One of the guys who I couldn't stand had been in my neighborhood and had recognized me. Not grasping my concept in the darkness, he blabbed to his buddies I had chosen to portray another profession, NOT what a good, Christian girl would ever hope to be. I was teased, and not knowing how to defend myself, began to withdraw.
I felt I couldn't talk to anyone. Had I been warned of consequences? I didn't think so. Mom had even taken pictures of us, and I don't even think it crossed her mind. I decided to simply hold my head high and hope everything blew over soon.
The stress of the teasing got to me. I stopped doing my homework, and had a major blowup with my father, resulting in his decision to cut the plug from my stereo when I mouthed off. I started studying again, and on Christmas morning, received a new connector to my stereo.
But in January, I'm coming up blank. I don't remember doing what caused the major blowup in my family; all I know is I was headed down a path of self-destructiion and didn't know how to stop it.
Looking back, I think I scared myself. As I said, I was a good Christian girl, who followed the rules and tried to please others. All of a sudden, nothing I did was right anymore; my world had been turned upside down and I didn't know how to make things 'right' again.
I found this quote on Facebook the other day:
"People won't remember what you said, People won't remember what you did, People will remember how you made them feel!" It sums up quite nicely my trip to one of my reunions. Nobody mentioed any incidents; all comments to me were genuine and happy to see me. And even though I remember this painful part of my past, it seems it finally did fade from memories. And when I ran into one of my main tormentors, there was no anger on my part; time had healed the wound.
Next month: Pt 2 and being alone in a sea of people.