Thursday, November 8, 2012

Pt 2 of BWSNBNS

Happy Thursday!  Those of you doing NaNo, how goes your 1st week?  I've managed to attain 17,481:)

Brief recap of story so far:  A breaks things off with C (bk 1) then grieves so much, she doesn't remember to check her cell phone or even that she's forwarded all her calls to his number.  C emails her; they agree to go to her friend's art exhibit, and in the process, get back together.

Ch 3:
Pg 46:  There are three lines where I'd rewrite it so either she's looking in the mirror or she thinks that's the expression on her face.  And I'm not sure why she thinks her boss's comment about her 'radiance' is inappropriate.  Is she that sensitive to sexual harassment?

Pg 52:  I highly suspect the female who asks, 'What do you have that I don't?' is one of C's former subs, who wants him back, or is unhappy he's moved on.  Chick's got guts; I've often wondered this myself, twenty-odd years ago when I'd see an ex-b/f with the new lady.  Esp if I was the one jilted.  But say it to her face?  Nah.  Friends, yes.  Anyway....moving on.

Pg 53:  If you're not aware the above encounter 'slips farther from my mind', then how can you state this?  I'm confused.  Split personality?  Left side of the brain is fully aware of what's going on in the right side?

Pg 55:  She's gone for a drink with a coworker, and the boss is making her feel uncomfortable.  I get it.  But why does she introduce C to him in a mumbling, apologetic manner?  And then she asks herself the same question, lol.  And how does she know her boss is assessing the 'fine specimen of manhood' in front of him?  And what IS it with every single female secondary character (except K, that is), who drools over C?  Is there no female who can resist his looks?  (eye roll)

Pg 56:  Why is his grin 'ridiculously broad'?  If the man is happy to be with you, it should not be 'ridiculous'.  Anyone else suddenly hearing Harry Potter shout 'Ridikulas!' to ward off a whatever-the-hell-it-was?

Pg 61:  I think the time frame has been one or two weeks since this chapter and the end of book #1.  So how did she 'forget' to take her pill every morning?  Okay; I'll give her this, since I have a character in one of my books forget it also....but then, she was involved in a move, and her routine switched around after retirement.

Pg 62:  I'm a little disgusted here.  Now she begs for sex?  Then wants to cook for him, rather than go out?  This, after she finds out he BOUGHT the company she works for, just so he knows she's 'safe'???  I nearly quit reading at this point.  What woman in her right mind would continue seeing this jerk?  Oh wait...he's loaded and bought her a car, an IPad, a Blackberry, and a laptop.

Pg 63:  Oh good god....two more unnamed females ogle C in the supermarket....

Pg 65:  They're cooking together in the kitchen, and at one point, I think her back is to him, which causes me confusion....but I could have simply misread the action.  And having three editors gripe to me about my over-use of adverbs, apparently her editor doesn't mind the use of them.  See?  A NY Times Best-Seller has 'mutter darkly'; 'mutter ironically'; 'say quickly' in the span of a paragraph or pages.  Maybe her editor needs a refresher course, or mine need to loosen up?  (Kidding....just kiddding....)

Pg 66:  If C's never been in her apartment, how can he 'sweep her up and carry her to the bedroom' w/o any verbal instructions or non-verbal cues from her?  Or did I miss something and he HAS been there before?  I was so busy picking apart book #1, I failed to retain any info.....

Ch 4:
Pg 71:  Would a Dom really 'implore' his sub 'not to leave me ever again'?  Did this woman not ever see the movie Misery?

Pg 72:  *dancing around*  I found it!  Found the Twilight Fan-fic reference!!!  (Yeah, I know; should have caught it in book #1...)

Pg 73:  How the hell does she know C is 'trying to stifle a smile'?

Pg 79:  He's restrained her wrists....but suddenly flips her over.  Isn't that a bit impossible?  Wouldn't he untie her wrists first?  And I want to take white-out to the 'inner goddess' references.  Pardon me while I gag.

Pg 86:  Why does she feel guilty for kissing him while he sleeps?  And if he grabs her hand to prevent any more touching, then he's fully aware you've been touching him.  It does NOT 'stay secret', except in your mind....or that part of your brain which is asleep from the other....

Pg 88-89:  She's mad about getting the car back?  Then rips his check in two?  (why didn't she deposit it two weeks ago?  Oh yeah....grief will do that to a person...)  And how does she know her anger surprises him?  Aside from the sex, she's yelled at him for twenty pages!

Pg 90-93:  She wants to get her hair cut; he recommends a salon.  She's surprised that he's known there?  And talk about bad timing:  Mrs. R is there, so obviously I'm wrong about the 'situation' at the end of book #1.  Maybe it has to do with the ex in Ch. 3?

6 comments:

Amber Skyze said...

UGH! I'm sorry for those to spend their hard earned money on this series. :) Though I do get a laugh from your posts.

kittyb78 said...

If you hang out at goodreads they have a thread there where people who read it when it was a Twilight Fanfic, and then read these "books" confirm the only thing that changed has been their character names and the titles.

She has no editor. They were self pubbed then picked up as is with no plan to edit them.

Which of course makes legitimate self pubbers like me look like a joke. :(

Fiona McGier said...

And since my stuff always goes through 3 rounds of edits, I'm so bummed! I hone it to perfection, then stolidly accept the changes, only to sell...few copies. She doesn't have it edited, steals someone else's characters, then a publisher "takes a chance" on her without even editing it, and they all laugh all the way to the bank.

I always say life is unfair, but I never expected this level of gross unfairness. Sigh.

Thanks for reading so I don't have to!

Janice Seagraves said...

I'm doing the nano too, but barely got over 10K as of last night.

I'm with you, I'd want to take a red pen and white out to this story too. It's amazes me that stories that need editing are selling so well. *Shakes head*

Janice~

Marianne Stephens said...

Become an editor...how can a NY Best Selling author makes that many mistakes...and not be told to "fix" them?
Another great assessment!

Cara Marsi said...

Thank you for more compelling reviews. This books sounds so very bad. I agree with Fiona. I go through rounds of edits with all my books, even the indie-pubbed ones. (exception-my book with Noble Romance Publishing-no edits, an embarrassement to me). I would never put up one of my indie books with no editing. Yet, E.L. is laughing at all of us as she deposits her millions in the bank. Life isn't fair, but this is stupid that she's made all this money on a badly written book. Sets the romance industry back 50 years.