Monday, January 7, 2008

Let'sTry This Again...Pt 1

A few weeks back, I posted an excerpt of Forbidden Love, the 3rd book in my series, and asked for feedback. Didn't get any, so maybe nobody liked that particular scene? Let's try this one. And instead of posting the scenes in the same entry, I'll post the other one tomorrow. So please let me know which version you like better, or if it really doesn't matter. And I'm concerned about the part where you catch a glimpse into Kyle's viewpoint. Do I need to expand on his world more?

Blurb: Keri Patterson meets an older man, and is instantly transported into her first adult relationship. But is Kyle Sampson really telling her the truth about his ex-wife? Is Keri's ambition to someday be a part of an Indianapolis 500 racing crew interfering with her love life?

In this scene, Kyle and Keri are meeting face to face for the 3rd time. It's late at night; she's studying; he offers to distract her for a little while.

Kyle and I talked for several hours during the next week. I told him about my classes and about fixing Gretchen's car, which had needed the steering column tightened.
He laughed. "Just out of curiosity, what's your fee?"
"Dinner," I replied. "Neither of us liked what the cafeteria offered, so she bought me a Big Mac."
"Can't beat that," he said. "Hey, I've got good news. The beach party's on for Saturday."
"That is good news!" I exclaimed. "My roommates Gretchen and Stephanie are looking forward to it, also."
"The more the merrier. Rusty's pretty excited about it, too. He loves the water."
"So I finally get to meet him." I was both nervous and excited.
"Yes. Hang on a minute." I heard Kyle speaking to someone in the room. "Keri, Kurt wants to know if any of your friends are single."
"Well," I said slowly. "Gretchen is, but I don't think she'd be interested in him."
"Okay, I'll tell him to find his own date," Kyle chuckled. "Are you still in the bathroom, or are you sitting in the hallway again?"
"No, actually, I'm on my bed," I smiled and stretched out. "I'm the only one here. Stephanie and Gretchen went for walks, and Elicia's with the Sig Epps."
"All alone, eh?" His voice became low and husky. "It's only nine-thirty. Are you studying, or would you like to have me come get you?"
"What would you do with me?" I teased him.
"I'd rather show you," was the reply.
I was tempted. "I'm done with my studying," I told him. "But I do need someone to quiz me in electronics. Could you have me back by midnight or so?"
"I think I could. I'll be there in about fifteen minutes." Kyle hung up.
I started to change, then stopped. Sooner or later he'd have to see me in sweats. I did put on a touch of make-up and sprayed myself with cologne. I checked myself in the mirror and didn't think I looked too awful in my pink and gray sweatsuit. Leaving a message on our markerboard, I gathered up my notes, locked the door behind me, and went to the lobby to watch for Kyle. I could hardly wait to see him again, and felt tingles up and down my spine when I remembered the feel of his arms around me.

Kyle took his jacket from beside the door. "I'm going out for a few hours, so if Lisa calls..."
"Man, you're asking for trouble," warned Sid, shaking his head. "You're not even divorced yet!"
"Well, what am I supposed to do? Ask Keri to put her social life on hold until I'm free?"
"Just be careful."
"I will. I'm taking her back to my apartment. Lisa knows I've been staying here." He grabbed his keys and left.
Driving to campus, he thought about the situation. Lisa was a good woman, a good mother, and a damned fine nurse, but she was boring to live with. They had met at work and just drifted into dating, then marriage, and after Rusty was born, everything just seemed to spiral out of control. The air had gotten so tense between them that he had switched shifts at the hospital, which had ultimatly made things worse. Finally, he and Lisa had agreed to separate, so she and Rusty had moved to her mother's house. But paying rent on the apartment, and giving money to Lisa for Rusty ate up his paycheck, so he had approached Sid about the problem.
"Move in with me, man," Sid had urged. "We can fix up the basement and split the cost five ways. And get you back into the dating scene."
Meeting Keri that first night had been a fluke. He had had no intention of getting involved; a little harmless flirting, maybe even getting her to go to bed with him had crossed his mind...But the more time he spent with her the more he wanted to get to know her. She had a rare innocence about her, totally guileless, very open and friendly. And could the girl kiss! His body still responded whenever he thought about her small, compact body in his arms. She was intelligent, and he admired her ambition to succeed in what was usually known as "the good ol' boy's" club. His heart quickened as he entered the Arbor University campus.

When I saw the familiar red car, I ran down the steps and jumped in beside him.
"Hi," I said eagerly.
"Hello..." He looked approvingly at me. Instead of driving directly to the house, as I'd expected, Kyle drove to "our" spot in Arbor Park. There, he gathered me in his strong arms and thoroughly kissed me. "I've missed that," he smiled when we drew apart. "And you smell so wonderful! What is that?"
"It's called 'Soft Musk'," I answered. "I've missed you too."
"Then come here." He claimed my lips with his own, and his tongue sought mine possessively. His lips traveled all over my face and ended up at one of my ears. I shivered as his teeth teased my earlobe, and felt his warm breath in my ear.
"Cold?" He whispered, running his hands over my shoulders and down my back.
"No," I sighed. "Oh, I like that. Scratch my back."
Kyle laughed and obeyed. Then he drew back and gazed down at me. "You look great. I wonder what you'll look like on Saturday?" he smiled and backed the car out of the parking spot.
"You'll just have to wait and find out."
"Oh, a woman of mystery!"
We drove to his tiny apartment. "I'm in the middle of moving my things to Sid's," he explained. "So excuse the mess."
I was puzzled. "So the phone number you gave me is Sid's?"
"Yes. I spend most of my time there."
We went inside, and Kyle was right. It was a mess. Boxes stood against the bare walls, and clothes, toys, books, and various knickknacks were strewn everywhere. Kyle cleared off the couch and asked me if I wanted anything to drink. I declined, so in between kisses, he quizzed me about my electrical knowlege.
"I'm impressed," he said. "Most girls wouldn't know an amp from a volt."
"I have to know my stuff," I said. "If I don't know it, or constantly have to check my book, the guys make fun of me, or say, 'a girl's brain can't handle the hard stuff.' I have to be one of the best in my classes!"

What did you think? If you don't have a blogger account, or want to leave a comment, email me at and tell me where I need improvement. And if I should post the same scene in 3rd person, or if you want another one.


barbara huffert said...

Question - in the rest of the book are you writing Kyle in first or third person? Please post the other version tomorrow or email it to me. Is this a continuation of the first two? Really gotta get back to reading! Soon as my wip is revised and resubmitted.

Molly Daniels said...

Kyle's POV is always in 3rd. This is what has me confused. I threw in his POV because I wanted to show HIS conflict.

OMG...Aphrodite's Apples wants to see the ms! I didn't think the email went was returned earlier because their mailbox was full! Now I really have to decide!

Unknown said...

to be honest I don't like reading first person books. I also thinking swapping around is confusing. I would make it all 3rd person...up to you of course.