Wednesday, December 3, 2008

Not So Much a Fluke then...and Major PMS Moment

Currently Reading: Finished Sacred Ground last night, and absolutely loved it! But you already knew that, right? Started on Brits in Time, but only read the first paragraph. Daughter needed help with her homework.

Word Count Update: Wrote another 500 words; copied it into an email and mailed it to myself so I could work on it at my writer's meeting...and it disappeared. So didn't accomplish as much as I'd hoped! I'm at the point where I need some fictional 'dirt' on my heroine, and thought maybe baking cookies would help the imagination. But when baking with a 4-yr-old, the main concern is keeping his tongue off the mixing spatula and the egg shells out of the batter!

PMS Supreme

Got this in an email the other day. Enjoy:)

This is an actual letter from an Austin , Texas woman sent to the American company Proctor and Gamble regarding their feminine products. She really gets rolling after the first paragraph. It's PC Magazine's 2007 editors' choice for best webmail-award winning letter.

Dear Mr. Thatcher,

I have been a loyal user of your 'Always' maxi pads for over 20 years and I appreciate many of their features. Why, without the Leak Guard Core orDri-Weave absorbency, I'd probably never go horseback riding or salsa dancing, and I'd certainly steer clear of running up and down the beach in tight, white shorts. But my favorite feature has to be your revolutionary Flexi-Wings. Kudos on being the only company smart enough to realize how crucial itis that maxi pads be aerodynamic. I can't tell you how safe and secure I feel each month knowing there's a little F-16 in my pants.

Have you ever had a menstrual period, Mr. Thatcher? Ever suffered from the curse'?

I'm guessing you haven't. Well, my time of the month is starting right now. As I type, I can already feel hormonal forces violently surging throughmy body. Just a few minutes from now, my body will adjust and I'll be transformed into what my husband likes to call 'an inbred hillbilly with knife skills.'Isn't the human body amazing?

As Brand Manager in the Feminine-Hygiene Division, you've no doubt seen quite a bit of research on what exactly happens during your customers monthly visits from 'Aunt Flo'. Therefore, you must know about the bloating, puffiness, and cramping we endure, and about our intense mood swings, crying jags, and out-of-control behavior.

You surely realize it's a tough time for most women. In fact, only last week, my friend Jennifer fought the violent urge to shove her boyfriend's testicles into a George Foreman Grill just because he told her he thought Grey's Anatomy was written by drunken chimps. Crazy!

The point is, sir, you of all people must realize that America is just crawling with homicidal maniacs in Capri pants... Which brings me to the reason for my letter. Last month, while in the throes of cramping so painful I wanted to reach inside my body and yank out my uterus, I opened an Alwaysmaxi-pad, and there, printed on the adhesive backing, were these words: 'Have a Happy Period.'

Are you ****ing kidding me? What I mean is, does any part of your tiny middle manager brain really think happiness - actual smiling, laughing happiness is possible during a menstrual period? Did anything mentioned above sound the least bit pleasurable? Well, did it, James? FYI, unless you're some kindof sick S&M freak girl, there will never be anything 'happy' about a day in which you have to jack yourself up on Motrin and Kahlua and lock yourself inyour house just so you don't march down to the local Walgreen's armed with a hunting rifle and a sketchy plan to end your life in a blaze of glory.

For the love of God, pull your head out, man! If you just have to slap a moronic message on a maxi pad, wouldn't it make more sense to say somethingthat's actually pertinent, like 'Put down the Hammer' or 'Vehicular Manslaughter is Wrong', or are you just picking on us?

Sir, please inform your Accounting Department that, effective immediately, there will be an $8 drop in monthly profits, for I have chosen to take my maxi-pad business elsewhere. And though I will certainly miss your Flex-Wings, I will not for one minute miss your brand of condescending bull -- And that's a promise I will keep. Always.


Wendi Aarons Austin, TX

22 Shopping Days Left.
Gifts Bought: 0. I'm writing and baking at the moment.
Cookies Baked: 6 dozen chocolate chip, but only 4 saved. I think my memory is starting to go! The first two batches, I forgot to add the eggs! Wondered why the batter seemed slightly dry...And discovered one of my pans caused the bottoms to be black. Guess I'd better stick with the baking stones! Those came out perfect!


Anonymous said...

LOL! I've read this before and love it. It's a howler.

Carol Preflatish said...

Sounds like your baking experience story belongs in my cookbook.


Molly Daniels said...

I swear...first it was forgetting to put the flour in the pumpkin pies; now the eggs in the cookies. Oatmeal Raisin is tomorrow...wonder what I'll leave out?

And today I hit the 'reply' button to respond to an email...and after I hit 'send', I noticed at the bottom, 'Call Me'. Sheesh! Head slap moments all around!

Anny Cook said...

Of course cooking with a four-year-old will do that!